GUESS WHAT! Yep, we're in FFX
by crimson-fishbonez
Summary: Join the trio Ruste, Pyro and Izzi, as they quest, giggle, slap and evilly grin through Spira, encountering many perils on their way such as Miss Smudges, Squall from FF VIII and ...BUS SHELTERS! That CAN'T be right... but it is, y'know.
1. OH MY GOD, WE KILLED TIDUS!

Whee! It's a stupid self-insertion fic! [squeaks] Have fun as three friends journey through the world of Final Fantasy X, joking, singing and slapping through the 70-odd hours of gameplay in several long, badly-written chapters. [beams] Fun huh? Oh yeah, there are some jokes based on some of the cliches in this genre of fic. PLEASE PEASE PLEASE don't get offended, I had nobody in particular in mind as I wrote this. SORRY IF I UPSET YOU![cries][begs for mercy] One last thing... I was hyper at the time... expect randomness, surrealism, vegetation... call it what you will, just BE PREPARED.

--

Characters:  
  
RUSTE (white mage)  
  
PYRO (black mage)  
  
IZZI (knight)  
  
(All BOYS)

--  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own FFX or my friends (much as I like to think so!). All I own is this strange yellow wand.

(Oh yeah. And all the 'you bitch!' bits between my friends are GENUINE! REALLY!!)

GUESS WHAT?! Yep, we're in FFX  
  
Chapter One: OH MY GOD, WE KILLED TIDUS!  
  
SETTING: Ruste's Room.  
  
NARRATOR: Ruste is playing on the game Final Fantasy X, preparing to fight Jecht. The others, who Ruste invited round very nicely, are groaning on about something or other, being the little sods they are. Ruste is, however, being a little angel, as usual (for who could not think so, as his seraphic face smiles and the sun shines off his golden hair?), and that comment has nothing to do with the bribery money I received yesterday.  
  
PYRO: Hey! Ru-uste!  
  
RUSTE: [beams]  
  
PYRO: [slaps]  
  
IZZI: Let's get on with it.  
  
RUSTE: Oh okay.  
  
(starts NOW)  
  
RUSTE: Stamina Tonic, check.  
  
IZZI: Come ON, Rusty. Let's play on Soul Calibur II or something.  
  
PYRO: Yeah! I'll be Taki. [daydreams about Taki and her...her... MOVING ON!]  
  
RUSTE: ...Magical Cactuar, check.  
  
PYRO: This is SOOOO the boringest game ever!!  
  
(An EVIL look crosses Ruste's face. He grins cruelly.)  
  
RUSTE: ... Naked Lulu Mode active, check.  
  
PYRO: WHAAAAAAT! [leaps at screen] SHOW ME MORE! SHOW ME- hey!  
  
RUSTE: Hee.

PYRO: grrrrr...  
  
IZZI: Ewwwww. Perverts.  
  
PYRO: Well, Mr Prude-you-like, at least I'm not a BITCH!  
  
IZZI: (O.O) Don't call me a BITCH, BITCH!!  
  
[BITCH FIIIIIIGHT!]  
  
NARRATOR: Suddenly, and with no real explanation available, Ruste decided to start a new game of Final Fantasy X.  
  
RUSTE: [looking up] I did?  
  
NARRATOR: Yes. You did.  
  
PYRO: Er...  
  
IZZI: Why?  
  
NARRATOR: Um... Plot lapse.  
  
RUSTE: Oh. Okay. [resets Ps2] Woo. Let's start a new game.  
  
IZZI: WHAT?!!  
  
PYRO: Not a-fricking-gain!  
  
IZZI: Tut tut. Language.  
  
PYRO: PISS OFF BITCH!!  
  
IZZI: (O.O) DON'T CALL ME A-  
  
NARRATOR: BUT, as Ruste selected the NEW GAME option, a blinding light surrounded him and his friends.  
  
RUSTE:WAAAAAAAAUGH!!!  
  
IZZI: AIIIIYAAAAAAAAGH!  
  
PYRO: Ooh! Is that firelight?! [stares at screen] I am FASCINATED by fire...  
  
NARRATOR: There was a terrifying zap.

[pause]

NARRATOR: THERE WAS A-  
  
ZAP: Err... Line?  
  
IZZI: I think it's 'zap'.  
  
PROMPT: 'Zap'!  
  
ZAP: Oh right. Ahem. ZAAAP!  
  
PYRO: [rolls eyes] What a lame joke.  
  
ZAP: (;.;) I'm offended [leaves]  
  
RUSTE: [sweatdrop]  
  
NARRATOR: AAAAAAAAAAAND so they ended up in Zanarkand. Right. I'm off now. Lunch break. Bye!  
  
[runs off]  
  
RUSTE: ...[snif]

IZZI: ...wanker.  
  
PYRO: [in a trance] Fire... where did it go? [looks around] Oooh. Zanarkand.  
  
IZZI: Wow! We're in the game!  
  
PYRO: Like SO many other people on Fanfiction.Net.  
  
IZZI: But... now it's US!  
  
PYRO: Meh. Probably some publicity stunt made by those Sony bitches. That would explain why so many people are writing about it.  
  
IZZI: I hadn't thought of that.  
  
ALL: [think hard]  
  
IZZI: HEY! SONY ARE NOT BITCHES!  
  
PYRO: They are too BITCHES, you BITCH!  
  
IZZI: (O.O) Don't call m-  
  
RUSTE: Look! Tidus! [points at Tidus]  
  
(everyone gets up off the floor)  
  
PYRO: Wow. Footballer.  
  
IZZI: My hero... [faints]  
  
(they run over, and push the stupid cheerleader hags out of the way)  
  
RUSTE: Look Tidus, stop messing around with these stupid cheerleader hags. They're going to die anyway.  
  
STUPID CHEERLEADER HAGS: WAAAAH! [flee]  
  
TIDUS: What the f-?! Who the HELL are you?!  
  
ALL: Us? We're... [burst into song]  
  
"The Three Musketeers!  
  
So lend us your ears!"  
  
IZZI: "Hi, I'm Izzi;  
  
I love all things... er... fizzy!"  
  
RUSTE: "Heya, I'm Ruste;  
  
For the gals, I'm a must! [winning grin]"  
  
PYRO: "Yo, I'm Pyro;  
  
And I love a good hoe!"  
  
ALL OTHERS: [stares of horror] [gulps] [back away...]  
  
PYRO: Whaaaaat? On "Harvest Moon" you use a hoe to turn over the-  
  
TIDUS: Oh, thank God.  
  
PYRO: WHAAAAT?  
  
IZZI: Now look here Tidus. We know everything about you and your future. We know your long-lost father is Jecht (yes, he's still alive)-  
  
RUSTE: And that you know a guy called Auron (who helps you out).

TIDUS: You do?

PYRO: We do?! 

RUSTE: [nods] We do.  
  
IZZI: And that Zanarkand is going to be destroyed by Sin (a kinda whale).  
  
RUSTE: AND that you will end up in the world of Spira and fight countless battles and fall in love with a young summoner called Yuna.  
  
PYRO: But what did I say?!  
  
IZZI: AND that you will only discover what she has to do to destroy Sin when it is nearly too late.  
  
RUSTE: AND-

(at this point, Tidus's head explodes)  
  
ALL: ..... (O.o)  
  
[long, dramatic pause]  
  
PYRO:...[licks lips] ...Tastes like chicken.  
  
RUSTE: EEEEEEEEEW!  
  
IZZI: Okay. Now THAT was pretty surreal.

[Pause. Pauses are good.]

PYRO: What exactly are you on, Ruste?!  
  
RUSTE: ME?! Was it MY fault that his head exploded? Hm? Was it? [points] Izzi started it.  
  
IZZI: HEY! I never-  
  
RUSTE: IZZI STARTED IT!!!! [death glare]  
  
IZZI: [retreats] Okay...okay, I started it... don't hurt me...  
  
RUSTE: So how come it's my fault?  
  
PYRO: Because you wrote this damn thing.  
  
RUSTE: [thinks] ... No I didn't. [smugly] That was my alter-ego.  
  
IZZI: Oh very clever.  
  
PYRO: AUGH! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS WIN THESE ARGUMENTS?! [cries]  
  
RUSTE: [modestly] Because I rock. 

---  
The Beginning...has Ended.  
---  
End of part one! Tada! Hope you liked so far, sorry again if I caused any annoyances/hysterics (the BAD kind)/near suicides. No offence meant! Please R&R!


	2. Swords and Slaps

Okay, Part II of the exceedingly scary "GUESS WHAT?" series! It here! As usual, sorry if I, ahem, put my foot in it, as it were. No offence meant. Hope you enjoy, the plot is (as usual for me) fiercely avoided/ignored/forgotten as much as possible. Yay! This one, bewarned, is not very funny. At least I don't think so. It kinda drags...on... and...on... and... ON! One last word of advice: Beware randomness/surrealism/jellyfishness, it's here and it's not gonna leave without a fight!

Thank you my one and only reviewer! Don't worry you will probably appear soon.

-- Characters: RUSTE (male white mage), PYRO (male black mage), IZZI (male knight), SMUDGES (unknown) --  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own FFX or my friends. I just whip them into submission.

SCHOOLGIRL: [appears] OMG that sounded SOOOOOOOO wrong! [disappears] (O.o)

--

GUESS WHAT?! Yep, we're in FFX

Chapter Two: Swords and Slaps  
  
SETTING: Zanarkand  
  
NARRATOR: Once again, we join our heroes-  
  
PYRO: I thought you'd gone!  
  
NARRATOR: Oh, FIIINE, Mr Particular! [ping]  
  
(so, back on track)  
  
IZZI: [stares] I can't believe we killed Tidus...[cries]  
  
PYRO: Look! It's Auron! [points at Auron, standing by himself, looking around for someone]  
  
IZZIE: My hero! [faints]  
  
RUSTE: Oh, come ON!  
  
(they run over to him)  
  
AURON: [glares] Which one of you is Tidus?  
  
PYRO and RUSTE: [notice Auron's big, heavy, death-dealing sword]  
  
PYRO: Eeeeeerm... [steps casually in front of Tidus's body]  
  
RUSTE: You see... [flicks eyeball off shoulder]  
  
PYRO: The thing is... [licks blood off lips]  
  
IZZIE: [conscious, sees Auron looking expectantly at everyone] Ooh! Oooh! Pick me! PICK MEEE!  
  
AURON: ... (-.-);;;  
  
RUSTE: Yes! That's it. HE's Tidus.  
  
IZZI: Yes! I am your greatest f- eeeerrrrrm...  
  
RUSTE: Come on TIDUS, time to Blitz, big time! [walks off with arm around a confused Izzi]  
  
AURON: [shrugs] Whatever.  
  
SQUALL: [appears from nowhere] [squeal] HEY! That's, like, MY line! You're such a TOTAL PROSTITUTE!  
  
AURON: (O.O) [effeminate scream] [slaps with glove]  
  
[BITCHFIIIIIIGHT!!]  
  
RUSTE: (O.o) ...move awaaaaay...  
  
IZZI: Hell guys, you've just ruined your images.  
  
PYRO: [checks that Auron isn't looking] Tum tee tum... [kicks Tidus's body off convenient, if slightly surreal cliff]  
  
--  
  
SETTING: Outside Blitz Stadium.  
  
PYRO: [sitting on log] Jeez. I'm bored. [kicks pebble] Now Izzi's the new Tidus. It's not fair that he's the new Tidus! How come your alter ego made IZZI the new Tidus?!  
  
RUSTE: [pointing] Look! Over there!  
  
PYRO: What?  
  
RUSTE: In that rock...  
  
(they walk over. Something is embedded in the rock.)  
  
PYRO: Ooooh. Shiny sword.  
  
RUSTE: Wow. Look at it. It's so...  
  
NARRATOR: The sword was a strange, oceanic blue, with a razor-sharp edge and a petal-shaped blade.  
  
PYRO: You're back?  
  
NARRATOR: Yes. This bit's quite good, you see.  
  
RUSTE: ...so... so...  
  
NARRATOR: It glinted up at Ruste, its watery-blue steel shining temptingly up at him. But there was an evil aura to the thing, a terrible destructive power that no human could withstand. The sword was corrupt and evil. There was no way that either of our young heroes would ever... would ever...  
  
(Pyro and Ruste are spitting on their hands with wicked grins on their faces)  
  
NARRATOR: Hey! You! Stop that!  
  
RUSTE: [sheepishly] But it's so... pretty...  
  
PYRO: Couldn't we just pull it out? PWEASES?! [bambi eyes]  
  
NARRATOR: Well... I SUPPOSE so...  
  
(Sudden flash of lightning. Cut to the top of the Blitzball arena, where the shadow of a bespiked, beleathered and besinistered figure stands...)  
  
SMUDGES: CHIHWAHAHAHAHAHA[hack cough]HAHA! My plan is in action... the Evil Blade is doing its Terrible Work! Soon, both Ruste and Pyro will be under my control, and then there shall be no escape from Mistress Smudges, Ruler of Chaos (and also of Fuzzy Things with Fuzzy Moustaches)!  
  
(Ruste reaches hungrily for the blade...)  
  
SMUDGES: Yes... theeeeeeeere we go, nice and easy... pick up the nice enslaving creation of Satan... tee hee hee...  
  
(Ruste almost touches the hilt of the sword...)  
  
PYRO: [has been thinking] No! Ruste! Don't touch it!!!  
  
RUSTE: [turns around, snarling] And why not...?!  
  
PYRO: [leans close to him] I think I smell a plot-twist coming on...  
  
RUSTE: [screams, jumps away from sword] EEW! A PLOT-TWIST?! In one of MY alter ego's stories? [thinks hard]... isn't that a contradiction in terms?  
  
PYRO: Ah yes, but this is a SELF-INSERTION fic. There is ALWAYS a plot twist of SOME kind in a self-insertion fic.  
  
SMUDGES: WHAAAAT?! THIS CANNOT BE!!  
  
RUSTE: [shudders] Oh my God... I came THAT close to TOUCHING a plot-twist... [sobs and clings to Pyro]  
  
PYRO: Okay okay, calm down, let's get away from it...  
  
(they leave slowly, backing away hesitantly from the sword)  
  
SMUDGES: RAAAAUGH! So you got away THIS time, laddies, but don't get too cocky! I WILL have my revenge! BWAHAHAH!  
  
(flash of lighting)  
  
ZAP: ZAAAAAAAP! See! I remembered!  
  
SMUDGES: AIIIIEUGH!  
  
[pause, as smoking remains sit up and blink]  
  
SMUDGES: (O.O) ... Memo to self: Do not pose on top of buildings, during thunderstorms, whilst holding onto a lightning-rod... for... support...[faints] (x . x)  
  
PYRO: [looks up, sees shattering stadium] JESUS!!  
  
RUSTE: 'Ruste' will suffice.  
  
PYRO: [evil glare] Just look at the Blitz stadium!!  
  
AURON: [appears] [has a plaster on his cheek from bitchfight] It's... It's...  
  
BEING ATTACKED BY SIIIIIIIN!!  
  
RUSTE: Oh Sweet Mother of a Juppie! We HAVE to get Izzi out of there before it's too late... before he's...  
  
SMASHED TO BITS BY SIIIIIIIN!!  
  
PYRO: Okay... stupid question, but...  
  
WHO OR WHAT THE HELL IS SIIIIIIIN?!  
  
[building explodes, Sin can be seen emerging from behind it in the distance...]  
  
RUSTE: That.  
  
DRAMATIC MUSIC: Tralala-lalalala LA! tum tee tum tee LA! Tralalalala...LA!  
  
AURON: (-.-);;;  
  
PYRO: Jeeesus...  
  
RUSTE: 'RUSTE' will- OWWWW!  
  
PYRO: Meheh. [dislodges steel chicken)  
  
(Izzi comes running out)  
  
IZZI: [pant pant] Hey! Auron!!  
  
AURON: Tidus, you will need to follow me...  
  
IZZI: Whatever, old man.  
  
SQUALL: [Evil-Eye death glare] You...  
  
(At this point, a convenient time-hole appears, and so we cut immediately to the Fayth scene)  
  
(Everyone stops)  
  
IZZI: [stops, looks around at everything] ... dude! I'm the TIME MASTER! I'm the Master of the Time! That Time aint got nuthin' on ME!  
  
FAYTH: [appears] wooooooooo.  
  
IZZI: Woah. Who are you then...?  
  
FAYTH: i am hypno fayth, parent of all, father to the everlasting mattress, king of pot noodles. i know all.  
  
IZZI: ... (o.O) Um. Righty. So, question two... what are you going to tell me?  
  
FAYTH: you must not cry. do not cry, do not shed tears, for it makes your mascara run, you dirty little beggar.  
  
IZZI: Yeah. Okaaaay... anything else?  
  
FAYTH: yes i do; do. not. eat. shoelaces. for they play havoc with the digestive system. [ping]  
  
IZZI: ...... (everything starts moving again)  
  
RUSTE: Hey Izzi! Whazzup?  
  
IZZI: Nuthin'. Hey, look! Over there! What do you think that thing is? [points to scaly thingy]  
  
PYRO: [sighs] Oh dear... a random encounter...  
  
NARRATOR: The screen shattered.

-- Part Two... has Ended--  
  
Whee! I've finally finished this chapter and you know what? I've got absolutely NO CLUE as to where this ficcy is going! Aah... the joys of c-f'ness... Sorry if that chapter was too SLOOOOW for you. I aim to improve the plot (yes, there will be a kind of plot. If you can call it a plot...) Ah... it's so much fun writing self-insertion... Well, see ya and hope you liked!


End file.
